Really long time no visit to this blog. But I think this is time to write down my feelings here as they are not supposed to be publicised.

I hate myself. Why am I involved into a married man? Yes, I am mad. I know. He did not text me for nearly 24 hours and I am nearly mad. He's again not in HK and very busy in Shanghai. But this is probably not a reason why I cant get even a word from him. Somehow I could guess, he's avoiding hearing from me.

Do I still like him? I dont know. But I perfectly enjoyed the care and concern he gave me. I am all the time princess and receiving the warm and sweet words from him.

But the point is, he's married having two children and he's 46.

All these are discouraging enough for me to leave him. But probably it's so difficult.

He taught me one thing, people in high position not necessarily cool.

He's very kind.

He appreciated me.

I cant tell why. I like him too.

Coz we are so different. I am impatient and impulsive. He's patient and logical. Both of us are humorous. Good at telling jokes and serious about love.

I can do a million more pages analysis but it cant solve the problem.

That I may have to break my heart once more.

I am so down by only not hearing from him 24 hours. How many hours? More than that, since last afternoon.

His life is full of work. Work is his life. Not his family, not his wife, not his children. Nor his lover, surely.

Maybe he's hiding away from me, too. I dont know.

Think again, I am insane that engaging with a man who's with me no more than 1 hour a week. We barely talk over the phone. Lunch on a half-yearly basis. Most of the time we had virtual love - online text and SMS.

They are not enough for me. I want that intimacy and real time to communicate and exchange of thought. Probably I want a future.

But I can see none between us. So depressed.

Perhaps it's good for us to separate for a period.

I hate myself.

Willpower problem comes to me again! Jesus, I cant live without you. But how bad I am! Even could not reject sex with a friend. Shameful.

Dear God, how should I do? I have no idea right now. Jasmine is right. I am too young to undergo difficulties. Compared with a lot others, my situation is not bad.

Thanks God! For what....for I feel guilty towards that! I am living as if I am dead now.

Really I dont know what I am doing.

Live is full of challenges and changes. But are there too much to me? Job is not sure. Mum is in hospital. I need to take care of my Dad and grandma. What's more? fucking relationship with ex.

Yes...he's part of my life. Kick him out of mine is not easy. I am used to relying on him. But why could not I simply say No to him? Maybe it is not needed. Just let it be.

I know God is there. But maybe a bit angry. Sorry God.

I failed again. God I know I need you. Please save me.

Life is fragile.

Hi Gordon,

Very thankful to our yesterday's conversation. I like talking to you very much! Not only we have the same religious belief, but also you are a very kind and thoughful person. Thanks a lot and thousands thanks for the God who let us meet!

haha~~ everyone has his history. And I believe, the past would affect one's thought and values. Thank you for sharing with me your wounding family history. It is not easy, I understand as I am one of the many who is hurt by family. And that I am being healed by God now. Well, what I want to say is, as I heard more from you, I understand you more.

You know, last time we met, some months ago and in our further conversation, I am surprised why you are so mature and independent. You gave me an impression that you thought of everything and every rule on the Bible and then generated your own belief. It sounded great to me! Well in some sense, my attitude towards life and Bible have undergone changes....why do I need to observe this or that? Why do I need to do this or that?

Do you remember, I asked you long before that why are you so mature? And you answered, 911 tragedy triggered you to think more about life. Honestly I am not convinced. Humans are self-centred. They intended to turn a blind eye on matters not directly related to them. So as the weather and environment! But today I know why. I am sorry to hear that...because I understand it would be very painful!

As your friend, I am happy to hear that the relationship between you and parents is restored. Happy and thankful from the bottom of my heart!

Recently, I am not very happy with the family matters...you know I am worried about Mum. But what I observed is our family is becoming closer and closer. That's what I prayed and asked for! God's true and fulfilling...however, his way may not be easily seen!

Soon after my last breakup, I talked to my teacher in church. I was very upset, well because of losing a boyfriend, but figuring out my weaknesses. So bad that I found myself reluctance to say No to whatever I dont like in a relationship. I hate myself in this way!!!! But not brave enough to stand up for my thoughts. well.....I dont love myself...............sad

It takes time....and now I keep praying and praying. Hope that God would heal me. I trust him.

Thank you for listening, Gordon. Sharing with you means a lot!

Take care and I am always there listening to you! Pray for your family and that little girl! :@)

Feel better after writing all these out.........

Warmest Regards,
Ming

Chances come to me. Leave or stay?

Yes I am afraid. Frighten of what will happen next. Will it better or another hell?

Who knows if you dont try it!

This moment....I doubt if my thought towards news is correct. Working for PR agency wont be quiet days too....

What do I want ????

Jesus all that in your hands are amazing!

I had some kind of sex with him on Saturday. Well not as enjoyable as I thought. Indeed we did it before in which I enjoyed it more.

Just dont know why, after that, I hold myself away from him. Even worse I thought it would be okay if I wont see him anymore. We are different anyway.

Now that in my mind is peace and comfort. For I want happiness, I'll call him and speak to him. If not, I keep myself away from him. Is it strange? I dont know and even dont mind what will go on.

Today I had lunch with Andy, my colleague. Well it's good! Communication is quite well between us. Well once again it proves to me I am not a faithful person.

Do I like Nick? Yes maybe a month ago. Now? I like him but not as much as before.

I know myself. If you ask me to marry him at the moment, it would be a negative answer. So what's that in my mind? I dont know. Typical Gemini.

He said he want to be my friend with sex. I wont accept it.

Not quite casual in sex.

I dont want him as much as I was. Why? Because some obstacles or differences in between us.

We are friends...though a bit more.

I wont force myself desperately into defining what's going on between us...is that needed? I dont mind.

It seems that I tried very hard to wrap my feelings so as to prevent from getting hurt. Absolutely. But now it changed. I am quite strong and tough now against hurt from breakup!

Hope God is with me. No matter what I do. Just in the way I am.

I like Bridget Jones. I like you just as the way you are....no matter you are rude or immature. Princess like love relationship.